Parents of Two Angels and a Little Brother

Eleven Months

2012-01-14T13:41:00.000+10:00

What he's been up to:
* Started letting go and standing by himself for a few seconds at a time on Sunday, December 18

* Initiated a game of peek a boo all by himself and giggled his cute little head off whenever I found him when he pulled the blanket back down!

* Discovered the joys of holding his hands over his high chair for Molly to lick them clean, and shortly thereafter tossing his toast over for her to chow down on, and then giggling every time mommy looked at him and told him no!

* Got a nasty upper respiratory infection that required breathing treatments every four hours of albuterol, oral steroids, inhaled steroids and many trips to the doctor. Thankfully he finally got to feeling better and more himself after about two or three weeks.

One of too many breathing treatments he got.

Getting his first chest x-ray, it was clear! He loved chewing on the plastic.

*Third tooth broke through on December 28, this time it was on the top in the middle, right!

* Fourth tooth broke through on December 29, the right fang

* Saw his first snow on January 11, 2012

* Continuing to enjoy all kinds of table food!

* Celebrated his first Christmas, he had a blast! Also got way too many toys!

Opening presents with Charles' side of the family

The tree on Christmas morning!

A present from Santa and his stocking

Checking things out, he of course goes for one of the few presents that is not his.

Mmmmm bows

Loving his new tunnel to crawl through!

Opening presents with daddy on Christmas morning

* Loved playing with all of his toys after Christmas!

*Got a visit from his Papa!

* Went for a walk in the park and ride on the swings!

I love his little feet! His favorite thing to do now is pull his right sock off.

Love him!

What he can do:

* Learned to climb on things! Climbed up on his dragon walker to look over his baby jail gate on Wednesday, December 21

* Learned to clap on Christmas Eve!

* Signed milk when he wanted to nurse for the first time on December 30. So fun seeing him actively communicate with me!

* Showed us he can crawl up stairs all by himself on January 11, 2012. But don't ask him to go down them.

His Stats:
22 pounds 9 oz and 28.8 inches long

March for Babies Video 2012

2012-01-12T11:32:00.000+10:00

Two Years

2011-12-01T13:36:00.001+10:00

It has been a full two years since I held my daughters safely in my belly. A full two years since I felt Emilyn dancing around on bottom, and Hailey kicking and jabbing up top. Since I had the pure innocence knowing that sometime in March or April I would be bringing my girls home because things always go perfectly in pregnancy. Since I cradled their tiny bodies, caressed their oh so soft cheeks, and kissed their cold little button noses. I long with all of my being to go back to those precious moments to get in one more snuggle, one more kiss, one more picture, even if only for a second.

Those first few weeks and months after losing the girls were unimaginable. I was hit with wave after wave of grief, only getting enough time between them to just barely catch my breath. Then after about three months, I started getting a little more time to breathe. A little more time to recover. A little more time to feel more like myself. I started smiling more, enjoying things more, and living again.

Now, two years on, there has been so much healing. I am no longer a shell of myself, I'm me, the new me. I can think of Emilyn and Hailey and smile. I can look at baby girls most of the time without pain, I no longer cringe at the sight of them and pretend they aren't there. I still ache every time I see twin babies, and hear the word twins though. But now I can see older twins and not hurt. I saw twin girls that are turning seven in a few days, smiled and wondered what that life must be like, without pain. I don't cry every day for them, or even every month. But the pain does come back, and I do cry, and I'm okay with that. I've embraced it. Despite the all of the healing that is happened, the wound will never be completely gone. Time just doesn't heal certain wounds.

Ten Months

2011-11-28T07:40:00.001+10:00

What he's been up to:
- Got a visit from his Uncle Josh, Aunt Lauren and cousin Sawyer over the Thanksgiving Holiday. Had lots of fun playing with them.

- Enjoyed his first Thanksgiving feast including turkey, ham, cheesy broccoli and rice, a roll, stuffing, green bean corn casserole, pumpkin pie and sweet potato souffle, he spit out the mashed potatoes though.

Yummy roll!

Little birdie

Ok, mom, seriously, I want some more.

- Celebrated his big sisters' second birthday in Heaven.

- Visited with Santa Clause for the first time! He wasn't too sure of him when Mommy walked away but was loving him when she was standing near!

- Continuing to love his baths! He doesn't want to get out of them!

- Went and helped mommy and daddy pick out his very first Christmas tree from the farm.

First sight of the Christmas tree all decorated and lit up!

What he can do:
- Mastered the art of crawling on all fours on Thanksgiving Day, November 24
- Waved hi for the first time at the early birthday party for the girls' on November 26
- Got onto his ride-on dinosaur all by himself on December 9

His Stats:
21 lbs 3 oz, 28.5 inches

Nine Months

2011-11-14T16:05:00.000+10:00

What he's been up to

* Got diagnosed with strep throat on October 20 after mommy spotted a sore on the roof of his mouth.

Not when he was sick, but loving the snuggles

* Went to a March of Dimes conference in Washington DC to see all of his Aunties that "met" him last year while he was still in mommy's tummy!

* After the conference, went to visit the Jabers, one of his mom's best friends, up in Philadelphia

* Celebrated his second Halloween! Last year he went as an M&M, this year he chose to be a dragon!

* Visited Arbuckle Wilderness and feed all the animals there. He saw Emus, Alpacas, Donkeys, Zebras, Rhinos, Hyenas, and many other animals!

* Went hiking at the Chickasaw National Recreation Area!

What he can do:

* Learned how to pull up to standing from a seated position on October 25 using the Jaber's coffee table.

* Learned how to sit up from a laying position on October 26 during nap time! With above mentioned skill, I'm now screwed! Nothing is safe!
* Was standing up in his bed waiting for mommy to come get him, and screaming at her to come faster on October 27

The result of learning to stand up in his crib, he doesn't want to go down to sleep and will stand there and scream until I come to get him! He gets very sad when I insist that it is nap time

* Cruised from one end of the couch to the other to try to get mommy's phone, this was after transferring from sitting on his dinosaur scooter/walker to standing at the couch October 27
* Took his first "steps" crawling on hands and knees on November 4, only a few at a time though!
* Mastered the art of cruising on November 9! Made it from one side of the couch to the other in about three seconds flat!
* Can eat almost any table food you give to him! He's kinda slow at it though so we still give him some purees when he's willing and not bored with them. Kinda hard to eat much when you've only got two teeth!

Chocolate? Yes please!

His Stats:
20 lbs 10 oz, 28.2 inches long, 44 cm head circumference

God Answered My Prayers Too

2011-11-10T03:55:00.000+10:00

I'm not a very religious person. I don't go to church, I've only gone a handful of times since I was twelve. But I do believe in God. And I believe he is there for me whenever I need, and that he answers prayers. I believe that my girls are in Heaven, and that when I die I will see them again. I hope that I will get to see them grow up from the tiny babies I knew. I will always miss not seeing their first smile, first day at Kindergarten or their college graduation. I was mad at God after losing the girls, pissed beyond belief. Someone told me I could not be mad at him. I replied that yes I could, he can handle it, he's God!! Anyway, one of the things in particular bothered me in the days after losing the girls was seeing people who had their child live, and said "God answered my prayers, he is good!" Or "Have faith, and God will answer your prayers!" Things like that were a little twist of the knife already in my heart. It says that, because they prayed hard enough, God answered their prayers and saved their child. Which also implies that the reason that he didn't save my girls is because I didn't pray hard enough, or believe strong enough. In discussions with a dear angel mommy friend of mine, she hit the nail on the head, and also shared a link that I'll post below. People saying the above are both right and wrong. God didn't answer their prayers because they believed enough, or prayed hard enough. He just answered their prayers with a yes. God answered my prayers too. He just said no, or not now. He didn't kill them, he just didn't give me the miracle I so desperately wanted. I will never know his reasoning, nor do I really care because no reason here on earth could make losing my girls ok. But he did answer my prayer too, regardless of if it was the answer I wanted or not. I also prayed that if my girls were going to die anyway, to just take them then instead of having me sit in the hospital for weeks on end only for them to go into the NICU and get poked, prodded and hurt only to die anyway. To that, he said yes.

http://www.heartlight.org/feature/feature_970625_sezno.html

Eight Months

2011-10-14T02:56:00.000+10:00

What he's been up to:
* Went to the state fair! He checked out the chickens and goats, and tried grabbing for a bunny! He also saw some cows, horses, baby chicks, pigs, butterflies and all kinds of insects but they didn't move much so he didn't pay them all that much attention.

* Went to the zoo with Mommy and Daddy and his Uncle George and Aunt Jessica along with his cousins Jacob, Brittany, and Hunter!

Checking out the elephants

* Loves sitting on one of his "Christmas" presents from Grammy and Grandpa, he hasn't really figured out forward or backwards momentum yet, but chewing on the spikes is fun enough!

* Visited a local pumpkin patch for a little photo op!

* Went to a little kids Christmas party and had fun playing with his friend Courtney. More like trying to thieve her shoes than playing though, lol

What he can do:
* Started getting up on all fours and rocking back and forth on September 17! Even occasionally goes backwards on accident!

* Had his first forward momentum with army crawling on September 21! So far he's "gotten" Molly, all of her toys, the babies r us ad, and all of his other toys! He's also started exploring the house into the kitchen, and guest room, and especially the little springy door stopper by the front door. It makes cool sounds. His favorite toys are the dog's toys.

* Stand up from sitting by just holding onto mommy's fingers.

* He let go with one hand while standing up on September 29 for a few seconds!

* Pulled up to his knees on the tv stand for the first time on October 7, we're in trouble!

His Stats:

20 lbs 7 oz, 27 inches, head circumference 45 cm

Seven Months

2011-09-14T12:15:00.000+10:00

What he's up to:

* Mommy and Elim spent the night back and Grammy and Grandpa's while his Daddy and Papa went down to Texas to watch a baseball game! His face lights up every time he sees Grammy, Grandpa and Papa!

* Loving his new ring sling we got custom made by Piper the babywearing Doula!!

* He's become a pro at solids! Thus far he's tried and loved butternut squash, carrots, squash with corn and green beans. He tolerates rice cereal, sweet potatoes and apples. He is NOT a fan of sweet peas, as you can see by the picture below. That's ok though, his mommy isn't either! We did try oatmeal, but it didn't sit well with his tummy so we're holding off on that for awhile.

* This right was one of his most fun meal times, he ate carrots, which are his favorite! He also tried his hand at a mum mum and even got some water! He experimented with which part to suck on, and I don't think he actually drank more than a swig or two.

* He's learned to untie his bumpers, pull them down and even stick his legs out a time or two! This is how I find him most mornings, he knows which direction he'll see mommy coming in the room!

* Got all prepped for a couple college football games!

* Made his first trip to the playground and loved swinging on the baby swing! Much more fun than his baby swing at home he never liked.

* Got diagnosed with his first ear infection on September 9, and received his first prescription for antibiotics. He's taken it in stride, and is still doing wonderfully! The only way I knew something was up is because he was taking much shorter naps and was a teensy bit fussy, which is definitely not normal for him! He seems to be feeling back to his normal happy, silly self!

* Trying to get everything out of the way all at once, he started showing signs of teething on September 9th and his first corner of his bottom right front tooth was popping through by September 11th! You have to work to see it still, but if you run your finger across his gums you can now feel the entire top of his tooth poking through.

* His newest sound is the growl, and he does it all the time, adorable!!

What he can do:

* Still working on getting up on his knees! He hasn't quite figured out the crawling thing, which mommy is totally fine with!

* He is a pivoting master now, he turns around in circles in 2 seconds flat.

* Sitting up like a pro! He can sit up indefinitely playing with his toys now, only falls when he gets really excited or wants a toy that isn't within his reach.

His Stats: 20 pounds 2 oz, 27 inches long

Six Months

2011-08-14T14:41:00.000+10:00

What he's up to:
* Living with Grammy and Grandpa while waiting for our household goods to arrive! They finally did and we moved into our house on August 8. Though without cable, internet, washer dryer and a car we stayed with Grammy and Grandpa for a little while longer until the second car arrived.

*Had lots of fun watching the movers unpack all of our things, and loved sleeping in his comfy crib instead of the hard pack n play! He doesn't even like sleeping with mommy any more since it's so comfy! :(

* Is only contained by baby jail, we've got it wrapped around our couch to both keep him contained and separate him and the dog when mommy has to leave the room and can't supervise.

* Visited Papa for his 58th Birthday as well as his cousin Hunter for his 10th birthday!

What he can do:
* Figured out how to roll in succession on July 24, he's rolling across the floor at the speed of lightning now! Time to babyproof!

* Starting to figure out how to lift his bottom up on July 25, one of the first steps of crawling. Where's the pause button?!

* First play-related injury on July 25 when he pulled his steering wheel toy down into his face and bumped above his left eye. Just a few seconds of crying and he was ok though!

* Since learning to pull his bottom up he's on occasion accidentally scootched forward a few inches and in his crib when he's mad he'll get up on his knees at elbows. Though I'm sure that's totally unintentional!

* Had his first taste of solids on his six month birthday. Before then he's had a baby mum mum here and there but nothing real substantial. We tried oatmeal first and he wasn't quite sure about it. We got the silliest faces out of him even though he was trying to help out! We're hoping to go the baby-led weaning approach if his pediatrician gives us the go ahead. I think he would approve.

His Stats: 19 pounds, 7 ounces, 26.6 inches long

Five Months

2011-07-14T11:37:00.000+10:00

Gimme some of that cake and ice cream!!

What he's been up to:

* He's loving his jumperoo, he could sit in there all day playing with everything and watching all the lights and hearing all the sounds! He gets some pretty good air sometimes too!

* He's starting to reach for things a lot more now, even will lean over backwards in his jumperoo to get at the toys behind him. One of his favorite things to reach for is our drinks, doesn't matter if it's in a cup, bottle or whatever but he'll put both hands out and reach and make a mmmmmm sound and gets mad if we don't give it to him! He tried that with a piece of cake too!

* Enjoying being around his dogs, especially Grammy and Grandpa's dog who has long hair to pull!

* His favorite new activity is either straightening and locking his legs when mommy is trying to pull his diaper up, or scooting up and away.

* Loves swimming in his baby pool, it's getting harder for mommy to hold him just by his neck with how big he's getting. He's not a fan of swim trunks or a swim diaper, but he loves skinny dipping!

*Enjoying seeing the world upside down, will arch his back so he can see what's behind him and upside down!

* Searching high and low for the perfect house for us to move into and we found one! All of us will be moving in at the beginning of August! Elim will love it, there is a playground to play in down the street for when he gets older, and walking trails and a community pool!

* Searching high and low for furniture for our new living room! Our old stuff is in need of replacing.

* He loves trying to get attention with fake coughing fits. They sound like a bad actor is doing them, hilarious!

* Fighting sleep like a madman! There's just too much cool stuff going on for a silly thing like a nap or bedtime! We'll hopefully get him into more of a schedule soon, but for now naps in the car are ok too, at least he's a happy tired little guy usually!

* Sadly, the day after his four month birthday his Nana passed away after a year long battle with leukemia and we attended her funeral. She will forever be missed, and we are grateful that we got to spend those last few precious days with her before she went to go rock Elim's big sisters Emilyn and Hailey up in Heaven.

What he can do:

* He's perfecting the tripod sit, he's still wobbly but he's getting there! He even tries to lift one of his hands every once in awhile, sometimes successfully!

* Laughs like crazy when you find just the right tickle spots

* Rolling over back to tummy like a champ, and sometimes even for naps!

* He's learned to copy us when we make a sort of raspberry sound with his lips, we'll do it and then he will and keep going back and forth. It's so fun seeing him do that and knowing he's learning to copy sounds! He works so hard to do it sometimes and takes him awhile to figure it out if he hasn't done it in awhile, but eventually he gets it!

* He's standing so well with holding our hands, his legs are getting so strong!

His stats:
He is 26 inches and 18.5-19 pounds (the scale is only accurate to a half pound, we'll get a better measurement next month!).

Four months

2011-06-15T19:01:00.002+10:00

All hooked in and ready to go on a walk!

Third date with Sophie, true love!

What he's up to
* He's having quite the love affair with Sophie Giraffe, he can't seem to take his eyes, or his mouth off of her! Such a little ladies man!

* Gnaws on anything that gets within arms reach.

* He accidentally dunked his head all the way underwater during a bath by kicking off the bottom and pushing mommy's hand, and thus his head all the way down. He was quite surprised, and not at all happy. Mommy had to turn him over on his tummy to let him cough it out then cuddle him all soaking wet until he calmed down.

* Enjoying long walks at night time in his stroller!

* Watched as all his toys get packed up into crates for the long trip over the Ocean on a boat to his new home.

* Traveled halfway around the world again, to his permanent home for the next three years, Oklahoma! Visiting with his Nana and Papa as well as his Grammy and Grandpa!

*Spent some quality time with his Nana who was very sick.

What he can do

*First laugh at three months and six days old, what an amazing sound!!

* Can sit up by himself, if Mommy or Daddy position him just right so he's in perfect balance! Though he's bent halfway over! Hasn't figured out the tripod just yet

* Loves to pinch arms and pull at hair much to Mommy's dismay! His daggers of fingernails get clipped often!

His stats
17 lbs 5 oz, and 26 inches long! He's now almost outgrowing his 6-9 month clothing.

Three months

2011-05-19T13:57:00.004+10:00

What he's been up to

* Visited with the Easter bunny a couple of times, he wasn't scared but also wasn't thoroughly impressed with the big fuzzy thing. But we got the obligatory picture anyway!

* Elim loves his aden and anais blankets, they are perfect for this hot weather in Guam! He often will grab it and pull it up to his face

*He loves to be carried around in his carrier (not carseat)! Anywhere we go he is constantly peeking out the side, sometimes gnawing on the strap while checking out what is passing him by. He is getting so interested in the world around him! He used to fall right asleep, but not anymore now that there's so much cool stuff going on around him!

* He "walked" in the 2nd Annual Boonie Walk for Babies this year to remember his big sisters Emilyn and Hailey. He did it like a champ! No fussing or anything other than a couple seconds when he was being strapped into his stroller! Once we were moving, he checked out the sights and eventually took a nap!

What he can do:

* He can roll over easily when he wants to, though he's currently on a bit of a rolling strike. He rolled over like crazy for a few days then just stopped! I think it scared him a bit to roll over so fast because he would throw his hands up and they would be shaking right as he got on his back. But he's started doing it again!

* He can hold his own toys now, and more often than not they find their way to his mouth! His favorite toys right now are the green frog rattle that hangs from his carseat handle and another plastic rattle we have.

* He's getting better at holding his head up while in the Bumbo, at first he just flung it back but he's doing great now!

* Can hold his own weight for longer periods of time with us just holding under his armpits for balance.

* He's talking up a storm, I love having first thing in the morning long conversations with him. He loves experimenting with making all different sorts of sounds with his voice!

His Stats:

He weighs 15 lbs, 7 oz and is still 24 inches long! Packin on the chub, love it!

Two months

2011-03-23T21:09:00.008+10:00

What he's been up to

*Flew across the world to Guam first class! He did wonderful and slept the majority of the flights with the exception of when he was eating or hungry.

* Blows bubbles all the time and has even done a few raspberries on accident!

* Starting to talk back to us

* Loves playing in his floor gym, especially the rattle that is right at his level to hit with his hand. Smiles away at the sun that attaches to the top, plays music and has different colored blinking lights.

* Loves naked baby time and starts kicking his legs in a circle when he gets it, rolled over from belly to back once but I think it was on accident since he hasn't repeated it.

* Loves his baths, I think they are his favorite thing. We slather him up with soap and then fill the tub up and put him in the big tub with lots of water supporting his head. Then he starts kicking away and goes nuts, he loves it!

* Grammy and Grandpa are here to visit! He's been travelling all over Guam and visiting places like Two Lovers Point, Tarague Beach Overlook, Tarague Beach, Jeff's Pirate Cove, driving around the island, going on a World War II tour, going to a few fiestas and many other things!

What he can do:

* First awake smile at five weeks two days old right after having his diaper changed.

* Smiled in response to something Mommy did at six weeks four days old

* Laughed when he was asleep at seven weeks three days old

* Smiles when he gets put in the position to eat

* Started lifting his head and shoulders up off the ground when he's on his belly when he was about five weeks old

* Will stand up with just supporting him under his arms to keep him from falling over, he loves bouncing up and down too!
His Stats:

He weighs 13 pounds and is 24 inches long, he's growing quick!

One Month

2011-03-14T17:57:00.006+10:00

Wow, I can't believe that Elim has been here for an entire month already! It has already been filled with lots of excitement both good and bad.

What he's been up to

*On his fifth day of life he was admitted for dehydration and hypernatremia as well as a touch of jaundice. He narrowly escaped being admitted to the PICU only because they were full to capacity and waiting on nursing staff to come in so he could get a bed. In the wait time his sodium level went down far enough that he was able to go to the regular floor. He got an IV in his scalp because they were not able to get one started in his arms or legs since he was so dried out. Elim was admitted on Friday and discharged the following Monday night. We had high hopes of never having to see him in a hospital again.

*On his sixteenth day of life he was admitted to the hospital again, this time for RSV. We suspect that he caught it when he was in the hospital for dehydration. We went to the ER when his breathing rate got up to the high eighties. Once there, he acted like he was ok, his breathing slowed down and his oxygen saturations remained in the nineties. However, when we were getting his discharge instructions his saturations dropped to the eighties and stayed, so plans were changed, oxygen was started, IV was inserted and we were sent to our room. He was taken off of oxygen soon before we were sent to his room though, and he never needed it again. He was almost discharged the next night but while we were discussing it we fed him and his saturations dropped and stayed in the seventies, so we stayed another night. But the entire night he did great and we got to go home early the next afternoon!

*Met a lot of his family including Aunts and Uncles, cousins, Grandparents and Great Grandmas!

*Got his newborn pictures taken by a wonderful photographer

*Visited many places including his pediatrician about seven times, Babies R Us, the park, and his Great Grandma's house in Tulsa

*Loves staring at walls, they seem to be the most interesting things ever!

What he can do!

*Elim is a champ at holding his head up from the day that he was born! He's still a bobble head but he is so strong!

*Gaining weight like crazy, even through two hospitalizations he still gained weight and even jumped up in where he was at in the growth charts.

*He is quite the little actor! Between acting like he is ok at the hospital when he really is not and acting like he eats properly when a lactation consultant is watching but doesn't when she's not looking I think he deserves some sort of award!

*Tracks a glow in the dark light when the lights are out

Our Valentine

2011-02-18T22:01:00.000+10:00

Our sweet Elim Henry-Otto arrived on February 14 at 6:46 pm. He weighed in at 8 lb 2 oz and was 21 1/3 inches long. Charles was not able to be here for his birth, but was able to meet him a few hours later via skype when he was in Hawaii waiting for his next flight to come meet his little guy in person.

A First Birthday

2010-12-02T02:59:00.002+10:00

Yesterday we celebrated the girls' first birthday. We threw a little party with mostly family and a close friend. It's not ever what I would have imagined the first birthday of my children to be like, but it was just right for the situation. I felt their love all around me throughout the day, along with the love of all of my family and friends. Here's a few pictures of our celebration!

The whole setup

Butterfly birthday cake

The birthday girls!

Punch, birthday cake, and pink bubble gum ice cream!

Close up of the girls and their flowers

The butterflies from their cake

Their balloons

Elim Henry Otto

2010-09-21T00:58:00.004+10:00

It's been awhile! I am currently 17 weeks 3 days pregnant, and we found out that it is a boy! We have decided to name him Elim Henry Otto. The E and H initials are from our Emilyn and Hailey. I had heard the first name before, and thought it was cute. Then when we were searching for E and H names I thought of it and looked up the meaning. Of course on different sites there are a million different meanings, but the first one that came up for me for the meaning was oasis, and knew it was the perfect fit if our little button was a boy. An oasis is something that provides refuge, relief, or pleasant contrast and I sure hope this sweet little boy is just that for us! I'm sure that anything that includes bringing my child home alive and healthy will be a pleasant contrast to what we have known before, empty arms and broken hearts. We are still hopeful that our dream to bring a baby home alive and well will be fulfilled. Elim is pronounced with a long E. The name Henry is just because we thought it was cute and flowed well. Otto is a family name on my husband's side, it is his middle name and his Grandpa's name as well. We think it also may be my Great Grandpa's middle name, but we're still not totally sure about that yet!

I am now back in Oklahoma, and have been here for just over a week! I've already had my first appointments with both my regular OB and high risk doctor. Both appointments went great, and I like both of them! At my high risk appointment they basically did the full anatomy ultrasound and that is when we found out that little Elim was a boy! He is measuring a week ahead by his leg and arm length if I remember right. However, by head circumference he is measuring a full two weeks ahead! Taking into account all of his measurements, he is weighing in 8 ounces give or take an ounce. My cervical length is 4.68, which is still wonderful! I go back two weeks after my appointment for another cervical length check. The high risk doctor seemed fairly confident that my preterm labor was caused by me being pregnant with twins alone, though he said there's not really any way to say for sure. So since I'm only pregnant with one baby this time, we shouldn't have any problems, and I really hope that he's right! I had my second shot of 17P, and had to give it to myself. I figured I might as well start practicing since I'll be doing them myself for awhile!

Here's a few pictures of our little Elim Henry Otto!

His sweet profile!

Elim's hand

Elim's crossed feet

Crash course for my pregnancy monitoring

2010-09-19T21:33:00.001+10:00

In the past nine months I have been missing my girls I have learned so much about what happened. I've probably learned enough that I could be my own doctor, if only I was able to work the ultrasound machine myself! I thought I'd give everyone a little "lesson" to refer back to whenever I say something that just makes you tilt your head and furrow your brow in confusion when I'm talking about my appointments.

I was given two possible diagnoses for what happened. The first was preterm labor (PTL) and that is what we are leaning towards what happened. The other is incompetent cervix (IC). This is basically where your cervix does not do its job properly. Basically that means it doesn't hold strong, and eventually dilates on its own sometimes with no contractions at all. Since I showed up at the hospital already 4-5 cm dilated they can't be for sure what happened with me. They don't know if the contractions started the dilation, or the dilation caused the contractions. So they're monitoring or treating me for both. Though we are more leaning towards PTL, since a week and a half before I had the girls my cervix was plenty long. Following are the treatments for each and a few key words relating to each.

Incompetent Cervix:

Cervical length checks: Basically they go in and do an ultrasound to measure your cervical length, pretty basic. They worry a lot when the cervix gets down to 2cm, though they will also worry if they see a steady downward trend in length at each appointment. For me, I will be monitored with bi-weekly ultrasounds to make sure there are no changes. My length at my 15 week 4 day ultrasound was 4.89, and at 16 weeks 5 days was 4.68, nice and long, so yay! I had those a week apart because I was originally going to be doing them weekly, plus we wanted to double check the plane ride caused no drastic changes. These will continue until I am 24 weeks, and at that point if there have been no problems I will switch to only being followed by my regular OB. If there are signs of problems, I'll still be followed by the high risk doctor.

Cerclage: Basically this is a stitch to keep the cervix closed. We are not going this route at this point in time, we are going to be monitoring and if we see things starting to change then it may possibly be an option.

Preterm Labor:

17P: This is a progesterone shot that they give weekly. It helps to prevent preterm labor before it starts. It helps to calm the uterus and hopefully keep it from contracting. I just recently heard that it maybe makes the uterus more flexible. I just got my supply of this last week and give the shots at home, I'm sore at the injection site for a few days afterward, but it's all worth it to give this baby a chance!

Preterm Contractions: My doctor in Guam told me to go in at any sign of contractions based on my history. So I am sure I will be getting to know the L&D staff very well in the coming weeks whether they be "real" contractions or just Braxton Hicks. Better to be safe than sorry.

I think that about covers it, if anything "new" comes up I'll explain that later. Not all of my information may be correct, but either way it's my understanding of everything they're monitoring and doing to give Button the best chance at coming full term!

9 months spent missing them

2010-08-30T17:41:00.002+10:00

Nine months is the time that a little one is supposed to be tucked away safe and sound in a Mommy's belly. I've now been missing my little girls long enough to have grown a whole little human to a fully developed baby. I so wish that my little girls had gotten their full forty weeks. Nine months on and I still miss them with every fiber of my being every second of the day. I think of them all the time, though not always with sadness anymore. I look at sisters playing together, especially if they are close to the same age and can just picture my Emilyn and Hailey at that age, wondering what things they would be interested in. I see other babies that are about the same age that my girls should have been and wonder what my girls would have looked like at that size, what milestones they would have reached by now. They should be four and a half months old now, their little personalities starting to develop, discovering new things every day.

Happy 9 months in Heaven my sweet baby girls! Mommy loves and misses you both so very much!

We are hopeful

2010-07-06T11:57:00.003+10:00

Most people say we are expecting, but not us. We know loss, and we know better than to say that we are expecting. To say we are expecting is to say that we know in the end that we will have a baby to bring home alive and healthy, but we don’t know that. All we know is that as of this moment in time, there is a little being growing inside of me and that this little one is due to be born on February 26, 2011. It's heartrate is 115 and length is about 6.3 mm which is right where it is supposed to be. We are cautiously hopeful, that this precious little one will be born alive, healthy, and full term.

Most people also wait until after the first trimester to let everyone know. They do this because after the first trimester you’re supposed to be home free, nothing can go wrong from that point. But it can, we know that. So we’re opening up now, to share our moments of joy with our family and friends for as long as possible, which we hope will be a full 40 weeks. But if it’s not, we’ve given those we love an extra six weeks to know and love our precious child.

It is not all going to be joy though, there are going to be many times of anxiousness and worry for our little button. It is during those times that we will need support the most. A lot of you may wonder why we aren’t completely over the moon with joy and happiness all the time. We are, but we are also anxious. We will not rest easy until we bring our button home.

We have decided that I will be moving back home to Oklahoma at the beginning of September so that I can have access to high risk doctors as well as be in a location that has a neonatal intensive care unit, just in case this little one is born a preemie and needs that extra care. As much as Charles and I love each other and want to be near each other we cannot afford to be selfish. This baby deserves the best possible chance at life, and we need to live with no regrets, and Oklahoma will fulfill both of those needs.

The best sound in the world, my baby's heartbeating strong

Amazing how we all start out as a little blob and end up being a perfectly formed human, my little button is about 0.63 cm (averaged between three measurements)

The small blob on the left is our button, the blob on the right with a black center is it's yolk sac.

This is me....being honest

2010-06-12T20:07:00.005+10:00

Let me start off by saying that I know that I am socially awkward. It's a fact, and I'm not ashamed of it. It is just who I am. I bring things up randomly, well not so randomly to me but I'm sure it doesn't seem like it to whoever I'm talking to! In my mind it makes perfect sense, I go from one related topic to the next in my mind until I say something that sounds totally and completely off topic to anyone but me. My closest friends get it, and just go with the flow, with the occasional "where did that come from!" comment. I make few close friends, but the ones that I do make I am fiercly loyal to, often times to a fault. I give my all to my friendships, calling them when they split from their significant other just to make sure they're ok, sending them notes to see how they are, and calling them to just hang out. What do I get in return all too often? Nothing. When I get frustrated, I go awhile without calling, just to see how long it takes them to put forth the effort, sometimes I get a call other times I give in and call them. I usually get the, where have you been question when I call. Um.....at my house? I've got a home phone, a cell phone and a computer....so do you, you know how to contact me. I used to let it roll of my shoulders, making excuses for them even before they give one, but now is my time of need.

Where does this leave me? Six months after losing my baby girls I expect more, I need more. I do have a couple of friends who are all willing to listen if I call them, but I sometimes need them to call me. I know that it may be a little uncomfortable to call and talk to me because no one knows quite what to say to "make it better". Nothing will, so don't try. Just call and talk, and if need be listen and before you respond think.....if I lost my child, would I want to hear that? So what do I want, or rather need right now, things that would make my life just a little easier?

Call me, to talk or even just a quick hello or I'm thinking of you.

If you can't call because your cell phone plan doesn't include Guam in your long distance, send me an email or a message.

If you haven't heard from me in a couple of days and you usually do, contact me because chances are I'm sitting on my couch doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself

Take me out to coffee (no, you don't have to pay)

Drop by my house, though only unannounced after lunchtime

Tell me if something you saw reminds you of my girls, I would love to know if they let you know they're around

Tell me if you think of them, or do something for them because I love to know that I'm not the only one thinking of them, I love to know that they have touched more lives than just those in my family

Speak Emilyn and Hailey's names instead of referring to them as the girls, or the twins, I love hearing their names

Usually, I'm not completely honest to the general public, but I feel like I need to be right now. Because I still need support, even at six months on, and even twenty years on I will still need to hear their names and know that you are thinking of them.

Thank you in advance

Six Months in Heaven

2010-05-30T20:01:00.001+10:00

It has been six full months since I last held my daughters Emilyn and Hailey in my arms, six months since I kissed their sweet little cheeks, lips, and noses, six months since my life as I knew it ended.

My sweet Emilyn and Hailey, I love you so much. Not a second goes by that I'm not thinking about you and wishing that you were here with me. I often wonder what you would be doing now if you hadn't gone to heaven. You would be about a month and a half by now and we would be just getting into somewhat of a routine. I so wish I could go back to that horrible day so I could give you just one more kiss, one more stroke of your cheeks, one more everything. You were and are my entire world, I love you, thank you for choosing me to be your mommy.
Love, Mommy

One Proud Momma!

2010-05-09T21:18:00.003+10:00

I got a 2 am wake up call, and I have to say I think it was the best wake up call ever. My brother insisted on calling me, even though it was 2 am our time. Today was the March for Babies in Oklahoma City, where the majority of my team was walking at. At the end of the ceremony they announced the awards. Much to my families' (and my) surprise, we won an award! We won for the "Most Outstanding New Family Team" you can see the video of my parents accepting the award at the link below. My mom had to be told to go up, she was in shock and couldn't move from where she was standing. They started the video right as they finished announcing my team had won.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydiXbzkuhh0

My family after accepting the award

I'm so proud of my girls! If it wasn't for them, I probably wouldn't have been so involved with the March of Dimes like I am now, especially since there isn't a branch out here yet! I so wish that I was there with all of my family walking today, but hopefully I will be able to be there next year!

Most of the OKC crew, I think there were a couple missing from here, but here's the majority of them!

Cool Uncle Matt and Aunt Katie

My mom, Amanda (Katie's sister) and Amanda's twin boys Austyn and Tyler

Amanda found the perfect balloons for the walk! She found butterflies that were attached, so they were twin butterflies, perfect! She wrote the girls' names on them and also got a few other balloons with notes to the girls. At the end of the walk my family released the balloons. Such an awesome day, I wish I could have been there!

All the Little Fallen Angels and Preemies Honored

2010-05-04T17:43:00.002+10:00

Following is a listing of all of the babies that were honored at the first annual Boonie Walk for Babies. I tried to separate a little the angel babies and the NICU grads, though a few I wasn't sure about so forgive me for any mistakes. It brought tears to my eyes to see all of the precious angels in heaven. I am keeping each and everyone of you close in my thoughts whether your loss was recent or long in the past.

Baby Absher One
Baby Absher Two
Angel Baby Bunyea: July 4, 2007
Baby Flick
Ashley Marie: May 19, 1992-June 22, 1992
Baby Katchka: March 2010
Baby Tinsha King: July 1998
Gianna Elizabeth Marseglia: July 2, 2007
Kathryn Grace Mongillo: January 11, 2009
Baby Mongillo: September 2007
Baby Kyle Owen: 2008
Baby Kevin Owen: 2008
Baby Pomeroy: July 9, 2007
Baby Bear Ramirez
Baby Ramsdell
Emilyn Elisabeth Schulz: November 30, 2009
Hailey Grace Schulz: November 30, 2009
Baby Tillman
Angel Baby Trandell: August 4, 2007
Baby Trejo
Baby Trout
Baby Jose Valdez
Baby Vines
Baby Weikerts
Baby Williams: November 2008
Taylor Renee
Natalya Hamblen
Annabelle Sanabia: 33 weeks
Isabelle Sanabia: 33 weeks

First Annual Boonie Walk for Babies

2010-05-01T20:47:00.004+10:00

Our first annual boonie walk for babies was such a success! We had just over 100 people turn out to show their support for all the little angels! I cannot say enough how proud I am of my daughters, they are touching the lives of so many people day after day. While this event was a very emotional one for me, I am so very happy that we decided to go through with it and plan on having one next year. It will be bigger and better than ever in 2011!

734 AMS, Charles' squadron turning out to show their support!

Team Our Angels Emilyn and Hailey!

Me trying to give my speech. I had to stop a few times to gather myself, but Maryann was wonderful and jumped right in! My original speech was trashed the second I stood up to talk, but I think between the two of us we did pretty good!

Us with our little butterflies

Our littlest team member having some fun before the walk, she was such a trooper!

It's go time!

Me with some of the girls after the walk!

Five months without my sweet angels

2010-04-30T23:39:00.001+10:00

Today we have been missing our sweet babies for five very long months. Not a second goes by that they are not in our hearts and on our mind. Mommy and Daddy love you both so much Emilyn and Hailey!

Due

2010-04-15T17:13:00.006+10:00

Today was my due date, it was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. The day my daughters were to be born at their full 40 weeks alive, well, healthy and happy. But that's not reality. Reality is they were born 19 weeks and 3 days ago. Reality is they won't be lain down in their cribs to sleep tonight, they were lain to rest that day back in November. I miss them both so much. We spent today delivering baby blankets and caps to the US Naval Hospital where I delivered at as well as Guam Memorial Hospital where I work at to both the NICU and L/D floors for the preemies and babies that grow their wings and go to heaven before they have even had a chance. I've got pictures of that at my 365 blog

www.twinbittersweetmemories.blogspot.com

After that we went to Ritidian beach to release the balloons and then to Tarague Overlook to do something that was requested of us by my mother in law, releasing a bit of her hair at a beautiful spot while reading a note to the girls.

Us with the balloons. We wrote little notes to them on the pink mylar ones.

Releasing the hair, if you look close you can see the B2 in the background of the sky.

Releasing Their Balloons

Heaventree Cherry Blossom Candle I lit for my girls tonight.

The Reality of My Life

2010-03-29T21:01:00.000+10:00

When I sit down and think about the reality of my life now, I am left speechless, almost thoughtless. It is incomprehensible that I am now living the life I am living. If you had asked me a year ago if in the next year I would get pregnant, find out it was twins, deliver them prematurely knowing they would die, and then hold them as they their hearts beat that last deafening beat I would have told you no, you’re crazy. There is no way I will have been pregnant, we’ve been trying a year already with no success. Let alone with twins, we can’t get pregnant with one, how will we manage two! Premature? No way! I was born two weeks late, us Johnston/Taylor women are made to carry healthy full term big fat babies! My babies died because they were born way too early? That’s not possible. That doesn’t happen to anyone anymore, doctors are miracle workers, they can stop any labor in any circumstances long enough to get the baby to “viability”. Babies don’t just die, they just don’t. Oh the innocence I had back then. I had no fear going to the hospital. I was a little worried about maybe having to be admitted and put on bedrest, but I had no fear for my babies, they were going to be alright. I was joking with the nurse about having to get yet another refund for my trip to Atlanta if I was put on bedrest. It wasn’t until the doctor told me that I was already dilated to 4-5 cm with a bulging amniotic sac that I grasped the reality. The reality that babies do die, that babies were born too soon to be “viable,” that doctors couldn’t always be miracle workers. It was in that instant, when the words “four to five centimeters with baby a’s amniotic sac bulging” that I lost innocence, my babies were going to die, I knew right away, without her having to tell me. Though I had that innocence before, at that point my nursing knowledge came back to me, and I forever lost that naivety. I pretended to have hope, was even dreading having to be there on bedrest for at least three more weeks, but in my heart I knew. I knew that I and my daughters were now a statistic, we were now included in the 12.8 percent, or half a million babies that are born prematurely each year, and the 6 percent of those born prematurely to be born before 28 weeks gestation. Figure that out, I and my daughters are one of the 0.768 percent of all babies born to be born that soon. Despite how small that number is, it is still too high. Anything above zero is too high when it comes to babies born prematurely.

So here I sit today. A full four months after my daughters were born and my eyes are now open, wide open. I have met many many wonderful women through the march of dimes, we all have very different stories, but the basic story is the same. Our babies were born early, too early. Some of them are angel moms like myself, and I feel like we are kindred souls. We can talk, finish each others’ sentences practically, we know what the other person is thinking without them saying it, and we know why they are feeling like that. It is so comforting to be around them, to talk to them, we belong to the angel mommies club, the club no one ever wants to belong to, the club we all hate being in. They are the best friends that I never wanted to know. While I hate that others are feeling the pain of losing their child or children, they give me support, and I would not have come as far in my grief as I have without them. Some of these women still have their children, were able to bring them home. Though it was only after days, weeks, or even months spent visiting their child in the NICU, having to kiss them goodnight and hoping not to receive the dreaded 4 am phone call, telling them something was wrong, their baby was having problems, come to the hospital quick. These moms amaze me as much as my fellow angel moms. The grace with which they handle their individual situations is astounding. They are in and out of the hospital with their little ones. Sometimes they even nurse their child from home, doing what no parent should ever have to do. They have to do dressing changes, administer IV medications, comfort their child when they can’t do things any other “normal” child can do. Things as simple as walking around the house without trailing tubes, or riding a bike, or even running their children are missing out on. Yet they smile, and their kids smile, and have such a joy for life! I am amazed every single day at these women, nursing their children for months, and even years to keep them healthy as they can be. They truly are deserving of the mother of the year award if there ever was one given. Some of these moms brought their children home, sometimes with minor problems, but they were able to escape the long term effects of their prematurity. They are however, forever grateful, because they know that fear. They know the uncertainty that goes along with having a preemie, they know what they almost lost and they rejoice in their healthy little ones. They do not take their children for granted. They are also spectacular mothers.

It is for myself, my daughters, and all the other preemie and NICU moms that I walk in honor of my daughters. That I am organizing a walk to raise awareness and remember my daughters on Guam. That I raise money, to keep this from happening in the future, in the hope that the next generation will be better off. The generation after next will have even lower rates of premature births, birth defects, and infant deaths until the number is zero. The march of dimes has provided me so much support, and so many other mothers support. The money raised will help fund research to keep this from happening again someday. Please, consider walking “with” me, join my march of dimes team and walk at your local walk. Or donate money to the cause, any little bit helps, we’re just raising money one dime at a time to find a cure for this epidemic.

Here is my reality. I am in constant pain. Though now after four months it is no longer the acute, sharp, stabbing pain I became accustomed to. It is more of a chronic pain, dull, aching, and always there. It flairs up once in awhile depending on what situation I am in, or where my thoughts go, but I am able to cope with it. There are a few things that bring on these flair ups. The biggest one is seeing babies. They remind me of what should have been, what I had but were ripped away from me. Every little coo, from baby or adult, shatters my strength. Another thing is pregnant women. I should still be pregnant, but my belly is empty. I am constantly reminded of this every time I see a pregnant woman lovingly stroking her belly. I can’t stroke my daughters like that anymore, and it hurts. So please, understand that it’s not you if I choose to avoid you when you are pregnant or have a baby with you. It’s not that I don’t like you, I just can’t deal with it just yet. I’m still grieving, over my lost daughters, and my lost pregnancy. My reality is that I am a grieving mother, only able to hold my daughters within my heart, not in my arms like I long to do.

www.marchforbabies.org/stacyat

We Walk For Them

2010-03-29T10:39:00.002+10:00

We walk for them. My twin girls were born on November 30, 2009 at 20 weeks 4 days along. Emilyn was born and survived for just over an hour. Just after she grew her wings, her little sister Hailey was born and fought hard for two hours in our arms before growing her wings. They were 13 ounces each and 10 7/8 inches... long. We walk so no parent has to follow in our footsteps.

Moment of Peace

2010-03-06T21:00:00.003+10:00

I just got done making a couple blankets. I'm not sure if I will give them away or keep them yet. We'll see how I feel when I gather the blankets I've made up do donate to the hospital. It was so relaxing, almost like meditating. Just focusing on tieing one knot to the next. Not like the other flannel receiving blankets I made with the loud noises of the sewing machine. Just me and the fabric and my thoughts. A rare moment of peace in my life. My mom had sent me some fabric after I told her of making my first one in Maui. Peace is a rare thing for me to experience these days, and am so grateful to have found some today.

On my road to recovery, have my meds in the fridge ready to take every six hours for two weeks. Hoping it works this time.

Thank you for the moments of peace my little ones. Mommy loves you so much.

Stacy

Peace with my puppy love laying on my knee

The finished products

Three Months

2010-03-01T22:53:00.002+10:00

Happy three months in heaven my sweet Emilyn Elisabeth and Hailey Grace. Mommy and daddy miss you so much and we love you with all of our hearts. We are so proud of you and how strong you were for us!

Love
Mommy

Hawaii

2010-02-28T18:44:00.005+10:00

We have been in Hawaii for a little over a week now. Tomorrow we fly back to Guam. Our time here has been wonderful. I was able to get in many shopping trips to Target, Old Navy and a few malls. We were able to eat at many different restaurants, my favorite being Yardhouse. We were able to visit with good friends from Little Rock and high school. We also went whale watching and saw several whales, they are so big and majestic, so amazing! While Charles attended class I kept myself pretty busy with shopping and a few other things. I hiked up to the top of diamond head and saw a beautiful view of Waikiki. I island hopped over to Maui to meet a new good friend of mine. She is a fellow angel mommy to a beautiful daughter, and recently a mommy to a beautiful son on earth. It was medicine for my soul to meet her and my trip there was the best day of my trip by far. It was so comforting being around someone who understands almost completely everything that I am going through. The next day I met with a maternal fetal medicine doctor, a specialist that we do not have in Guam. She gave her opinions as to what will need to happen when we choose to have another baby to keep me from going into preterm labor again. It helps, just a little, to know that there is a plan in place to keep this from happening again when we decide we are ready for a little brother or sister for Emilyn and Hailey. Charles got out of class a day early so the next day we hiked up to Makapu’u lighthouse and got a beautiful view of the entire eastern part of the island. Everything beautiful in Hawaii reminded me of Emilyn and Hailey. I saw so much of them here, everywhere I went it was so bittersweet, reminded of them constantly made me smile but not being able to share it with them broke my heart. They were watching over me though, and they let me know it from time to time, like the time I saw the twin rainbows.

As my time in Hawaii comes to an end, I find myself dreading the return to Guam, the return to normal. What is my new “normal” life going to be like now? Will I ever feel whole again? How can I mourn them and honor their memory at the same time? How do I continue.....without them in my arms, and only in my heart?

View of Waikiki from the top of Diamond Head

Twin Rainbows Watching Over Us

Lauren, Me and Baby Man Micah in Maui

Us on the Sunset Dinner Cruise

View of Makapu'u Lighthouse

What Makes a Mother

2010-02-14T12:36:00.001+10:00

What Makes a Mother?
Author Unknown

I thought of you and closed my eyes,
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother,
And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby,
This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother,
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied,
With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies,
When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb,
But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you,
What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile,
With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much,
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home,
They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day,
And you'll know that you're the best one!

A Dream

2010-02-09T11:36:00.002+10:00

I never remember dreams, but last night I had one and I remember every little detail about it and will never forget it. Our baby girls came to me last night and today I smile.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got up and came out to the living room. I started working on my shutterfly photobook for Emilyn and Hailey, up until this point I couldn't bring myself to do it, but I got several pages done and they're perfect. Anyway, I wanted to include the meanings of their names so I looked them up. Emilyn's name is a form of Emmalynn, which is Emma and Lynn combined. One of the meanings of Lynn is waterfall. Emma means one who is complete. Hailey is a form of Hayleigh which means meadow of hay. I finally got tired so I went to sleep and last night I dreamed of getting a tattoo. This isn't something abnormal even though I don't have one yet, I planned on getting one on our vacation to Hawaii. But what I dreamed about getting is different than what I was planning on getting. I dreamed about getting a tattoo of a waterfall, but not a blue waterfall, one that is all the colors of the rainbow. So I picked it out, and told the guy that was what I wanted. He wasn't the tattoo artist but he was getting it ready for her, she was on her way in. He traced it and put the drawing on me to transfer the outline. It was kind of weird becasue it was like he was putting an artificial tattoo on me now that I think of it but not the stick on one. I remember him taking the tattoo gun or whatever you call it and putting all the color in, but it didn't hurt. When he was done I didn't like what he did, it was in the wrong place. He used tape to pull something up, and I yanked it up from one side because I wanted it changed. Just as I did that Amy walked in the door and he was upset he didn't have it fully done. Oh, and I also remember he tried to trace some words on my arm to tattoo, but they were big and bold and I didn't like those either, don't remember what they said though. Amy is the name of the lady I have an appointment with in Hawaii to do my tattoo that I want. So Amy came in, and I got up and went to the bathroom while she prepared everything to do the tattoo. When I sat down I noticed that there was a huge spider in the corner on a web and a little butterfly fluttering around. I watched both. There was also a sign in front of the spider that said "Do Not Kill, Everything Has A Part In This World". The butterfly hit the web and of course got tangled. The spider went over to the butterfly and started trying to tear at it, but to no avail. I watched in horror as the spider then cut open the butterflies neck but couldn't take my eyes away. To add to my horror, I realized that it wasn't a butterfly but a little girl in a butterfly costume and the spider had all but killed her. The next thing I remember is the butterfly girl going over to a meadow of hay and flowers, laying down and dying. I went back out to the tattoo room shaken, and somehow knew that the butterfly girl was Amy's little sister and was afraid to tell her of her sisters death. I gathered up my courage as she started tattooing me and told her of her sisters death. She had no reaction. The other guy that did the first tattoo went into the bathroom to see, and came back and confirmed that Amy's sister was in fact dead. Still no reaction, she didn't say it but I knew what she was thinking, she was thinking that her sister was better off. She had been sick all her life, and was better off in heaven and not suffering anymore than living in this earthly world. Instead of breaking down, she continued on with my waterfall tattoo and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. So both of my girls came to me in my dreams last night. Emilyn with her waterfall tattoo, and Hailey with her meadow of hay and flowers for the dying butterfly girl. My heart is lighter today than it has been since I lost Emilyn and Hailey, I am so glad they came to me finally last night.

After I left my house, I decided that Hailey has a sense of humor as well. I walked outside, and saw a little yellow piece of paper tucked behind our mailbox (it's attached to our wall). Opened it up, and we had gotten a ticket for not mowing our lawn! I walked out and looked at our lawn to see how bad it really was. I swear it wasn't that bad just yesterday, we would have mowed it if it was. It's like it grew overnight! It literally looked like a meadow of hay in our front yard it was so high! I had to laugh, thank you Hailey!

Thank you Emilyn and Hailey for coming to me in my dreams, it makes my heart lighter and puts a smile on my face. Mommy loves you both so much!

Liar

2010-02-01T12:31:00.001+10:00

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies.
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is,
And because she cant explain,
She will tell a little lie,
Because she cant explain the pain.

Ask My Mom how she is,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth please tell me,
Why does she cry each night?

Ask My Mom how she is.
“I’m fine. I’m well. I’m coping”
For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth.
Tell them your heart is broken.

She’ll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

I am here in Heaven,
I cannot hug her from here.
If she lies to you don’t listen
Just hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “you’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you’ve told!”

(Author Unkown)

Two Months in Heaven

2010-01-30T09:27:00.002+10:00

My Sweet Emilyn,
Today is your two month birthday, but you are celebrating it in heaven instead of with your mommy and daddy. We miss you so much, and wish you were still here with us. I miss everything about you and what could have been. I can picture what our life would have been together. You were always twisting and turning inside mommy so I think you were going to be my little ballerina. I would gladly have brought you in your little pink leotard and tutu and watch you dance to your little hearts desire. We would pick out the cutest little bows and ribbons to put in your hair, though I'm thinking you would have been a little bald baby until at least two just like your momma. You are the older sister, so please take care of your sister Hailey, and come down to visit me often in my dreams. Momma loves you sweet little girl, and I can't wait until I can meet you in heaven and hold you again.

Love,
Mommy

My Dearest Hailey,
Today you are two months old and celebrating in heaven with your sister. I hope you are both having a big party with your Great Grandpa, he is such a fun guy to be around. You even get to meet you Great Grandma and Grandpa Taylor before me, tell them I said hi and I will meet them someday. Your mommy and daddy miss you so much, we never thought we would be celebrating this day without you. I can see what our life would have been if you had been able to stay, not just as a two month old but what you would have been like in the years to come. You, my little girl, were my little kicker and puncher. I think you were going to be a tomboy, and maybe even a kickboxing champion! You woudl be so much like your mommy. I can see you playing with the bugs, catching the geckos around the house, and climbing any tree with limbs low enough for you to get your arms around. You would keep up with the fastest boys and hit softballs further than anyone else. I would have to bribe you to get any sort of bows in your hair or a dress on your little body. You are my second born child, and I will always love you and remember you. I told Emilyn to try to take care of you since you are the youngest, but I want you to take care of her as well because you are sisters, and that's what sisters do. Mommy loves you my precious little girl, please come down once in a while with your sister to visit me in my dreams. I can't wait to come to heaven to wrap you in my love again, but until then I will settle for visiting you in my dreams.

Love
Mommy

My Shoes

2010-01-20T21:00:00.002+10:00

My Shoes
Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

How You Can Help

2010-01-16T22:27:00.002+10:00

For Friends and Family
This list was posted on SHARE by SuzanneMarie, Mom to Christopher on earth, and Hope, Lily, and Jonathan in Heaven. I think she did a great job explaining what it is like to live with the grief of losing a child. For those of you that don't know what you can say or do to help, this is a start.

If someone you know has lost a loved one, you probably have no idea what to do. Our society does not prepare us to deal with grief, our own or someone else's. These suggestions and strategies are intended to help you understand what may be helpful to a grieving person. As Christian brothers and sisters, we have a responsibility to one another, and when one of us grieves, the rest need to act.

Please do not ignore or avoid us. We are grieving a terrible loss and do not want to grieve your absence as well.

If you do not know what to say or do, tell us. I do not know what to say or do. We don't either, but your presence and patience are comforting.

If we start to cry, do not feel like it is your fault for talking to us. We cry a lot and you did not cause our tears. Stay with us while we cry. If we are in public and can't get hold of our tears, take us someplace quiet where we can sit down and then sit with us.

If you get uncomfortable, please do not leave. Grief is just uncomfortable.

If we ask you to help us in some way, please do it if you can. If you can't, please look for someone else who can. It is terribly difficult to ask for help, and if we actually do make a request, we really need it.

If we do not ask for help, ask us, "Can I help you with anything?" If we say no, ask again. If we say no again, don't believe us. Find a close friend who knows us well and inquire about ways to help. . .practical stuff, emotional support, or fun distraction like a trip to the coffee shop may be in order.

Daily responsibilities are nightmare right now, just another stress we can't handle. Show up at our house with a bag of groceries, a vacuum cleaner, tickets to take our children to the fair, or nothing at all. Just show up. While you visit, pop a load of laundry in the washer.

If you only have 30 free minutes, we don't mind. We will appreciate whatever company you can offer us.

Let us talk about our loved one and listen as we tell you stories.

If someone we love has died, do not say, "It is for the best," even if you believe it is. Tell us you are sorry for the death of our child/spouse/parent/sibling/best friend.

If we get mad at you or say something hurtful, please forgive us. The last thing we want to do is hurt someone, especially someone who is willing to be with us. We are just hurting so much and it comes out in inappropriate ways sometimes.

Please accept that we will feel angry, sad, numb, crazy, and many other things. This will make you uncomfortable, but please don't avoid us. We are more uncomfortable than you can imagine right now.

Please send us a card when you learn of our loss.

Send us flowers.

Remember our children (if we have any living with us). When you visit, bring them a small toy, cool rock, or magazine you think they'd like. And if we forget to express our gratitude for your kindness to our child(ren), it is not intentional rudeness. We are truly grateful for your gesture.

If we have miscarried early in pregnancy (before 20 weeks is considered a miscarriage, after 20 weeks the baby is considered stillborn), our response will likely fit into a range: we may be saddened at the loss of the pregnancy but accept it as a part of having children, or we may grieve the loss as the death of our child. You can figure out how we feel with a question like, "How are you?" If we begin to sob and say "I miss my baby, " then you know where we're at.

Wherever we are on the scale of grief with miscarriage, send us a card. If we are in the more accepting part of the range, an "I'm thinking of you" card is good. If we are grieving the death of our baby, a sympathy card is appropriate.

Please remember significant dates associated with our loss.
* The anniversary of our loss.
* The birthday of our loved one. (In the case of infant death or miscarriage, these events may be the same date.)
* In the case of miscarriage or stillbirth, ask our due date and remember it. . .for years to come.
* Our birthday, holidays, especially Mother's Day and Father's Day if we grieve our child or parent.
* If we have no living children, it is even more important to remember Mothers and Fathers Days.

Do not avoid speaking of our loved one. We really want to talk about him or her.

Do not fear you will remind us of our loss, for it is always with us.

If we do not feel up to discussing our loved one or grief, accept our feelings and move on to another topic.

If you wish to do something beyond offering us your friendship and ear, make a donation to a specific cause. For example, if our child or parent died of a certain disease, a donation to a research foundation that studies that disease will have very special significance.

Release a balloon in memory of our loved one, and write us a note that you did this.

If nothing comes to mind and you wish to do something, donate a book to the public library in memory of our loved on. We will be happy to know that the library patrons are reading of our special person and remembering them with us.

Be patient with us. We will not be better all at once. We will seem better then we will seem worse. We will seem at peace then we will be suddenly angry. In fact, we may never be the same again. Please don't expect us to be. And please please do not suggest that we should.

But most of all, pray for and with us. More than any other gesture, we will find comfort in your prayers and presence.

Remember that for every person on the planet and every situation imaginable, there is a different response and grief journey.

This is about the loss of Hope. She died sometime in May of 2004 in her momma's womb, for no known reason. For those of you who have never experienced the loss of a baby, or a child, or any of your loved ones, this will help you walk along side someone who has and is now in a dark place. You can't go there. In fact, you will prefer to walk away and forget about it. But your friend must live with this always. Buck up and offer yourself to one who has lost everything.

All You Need To Say

2010-01-13T06:22:00.002+10:00

So a lot of people just don't know what to say to me, so I figured I would help everyone out. The OB/GYN Doctor that I was seeing up until the birth of Emilyn and Hailey called and talked to me last night, and he had the perfect response so I'll share it with you with a little background. I've been seeing this Doctor for the past year, with on average about one appointment a month, sometimes more. We had been dealing with fertility issues and then my pregnancy with Emilyn and Hailey, so we "knew" eachother pretty well, at least as much as a doctor and patient can know eachother. I was supposed to be medevac'd off island at 24 weeks to give birth in a place that has a NICU, and at my last happy appointment about four days before they were born everything was fine, but he realized it would be the last time he saw me and said he wouldn't even be able to be there for the birth and see the girls after all that work he put in. So I promised him pictures of the girls, not the birth (lol!). We never thought it would be so soon. Four days later I went into labor, but he still wasn't able to be there because he had just left for vacation. Thankfully God knew just what I needed and gave me another wonderful doctor that took great care of me and explained everything that was happening and everything that may happen. So at my appointment yesterday I brought a packet for my original Doctor. I had my favorite pictures of the girls and a description of their little personalities, my little kickboxer and ballerina, their birth/passing announcement, and memorial service program. I didn't see him that day, but he called me that night. This was his response...

"I'm sorry, I don't have words, it just sucks"

it made me laugh (on the inside), it was so him and it was perfect. That is all that I need. So if you don't know what to say but want to say something, that's all I need to hear, "i'm sorry, i don't have the words, and it just sucks" because yeah, it does suck and thank you for saying you're sorry to hear about them. I would rather you say that, than the first thing that pops into your mind and have it be hurtful. Believe me, I've gotten my fair share of hurtful comments even though the people don't mean them to be, they mean the best but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Anyway, I had my six week follow up appointment yesterday with the doctor that delivered Emilyn and Hailey. She cleared me for all activity, with no limitations. So scuba diving here I come! We gotta get my mom diving sometime!

How Can I Have a Memorial Service? Because They Are My Daughters

2010-01-03T00:56:00.004+10:00

I have been told that I am brave for going through with a memorial for Emilyn and Hailey. My question to those who tell me that is how can I not have a memorial? They are my daughters, and deserve to be remembered whether I am comfortable with it or not. I would rather not have to do this, but it is something that I want to do to honor them. Whether they lived only in my belly, only for a couple of hours outside my belly or for ten years they are still my daughters and they lived. They lived in my belly for five whole months, and they already had their own personalities. I figure my Emilyn Elisabeth was always twisting and turning, she was going to be a ballerina and such a little girly girl! Then there was my sweet Hailey Grace that was always kicking and punching, she was going to be my little kickboxing champion and a tomboy just like her Momma was! Then they were born and they were such fighters. Emilyn lived outside my belly for 1 hour 1 minute, and even moved a little to turn her head to Mommy and Daddy! Hailey Grace, born an hour and three minutes after Emilyn, lived outside my belly for 1 hour 59 minutes and even took a deep breath so Mommy and Daddy could see! So you see, my daughters lived, for five months in my belly, though only a few hours outside. How can I not have a memorial? It's not that I am brave, it's just something that has to be done because it is what they deserve. Following are a couple of poems that I will have laid out at their memorial service later today.

Twin Angels

Last night two little angels
Came and whispered in my ear.
And this is what they told me
"Don't worry Mummy, we're right here.
It feels like a long time
Since we last felt your touch.
And we wanted you to know
We miss you and Daddy so very much.
We know that you love us
and think of us every day.
And it makes us very sad
that we had to go away.
But we know that our memory
will never ever die.
And we know that sometimes
when you think of us you cry.
But don't worry Mummy
There's so much here to do.
And every day remember
We are watching over you."
Then my angels kissed me
As tears rolled down my face.
And I knew we'll all be together again
Another time. Another place.

When God Calls Little Children

When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow we must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be “goodbye.”
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realized God loves children… Angels are hard to find.

This poem is one that I found on the website of another mom who lost her sweet angel girls a few months before me. It is one that went along with what was going through my mind after some reactions I received when I told people that I lost my daughters.

Don't Tell Me

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my girls are in a better place,
Though it is true, I want them here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear their voice, see their face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact they are gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say their names,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.

My Little Angel Girls

Born Too Soon....

2009-12-22T02:41:00.003+10:00

Where do I start? I guess where I left off last on my last post. On Thanksgiving day I had about 3 contractions, they were 2-3 hours apart and not painful. That pattern of having one contraction every two or three hours continued on into Friday and also Saturday. Those two days I put myself on semi-bed rest just to be sure, and things did not pick up. On Sunday I called the Mother Baby Unit to confirm my suspicion that they were just Braxton Hicks contractions and that I was fine unless they got more frequent and that I didn’t need to be on bed rest yet. They agreed with me and told me as long as the contractions don’t pick up I was fine and I could go out and do my usual routine. We went out to lunch, and while out for that 15 minutes I had about 4 contractions that were a little uncomfortable but not painful. We went directly home, and as instructed I laid down on my left side and drank some water. The next hour I only had 3 then the next hour only 2 so they were going away. After that I didn’t have any for several hours. At 5 pm I started having one contraction every ten minutes and they were hurting. I decided that I wasn’t going to wait another hour to see if they continue, that I needed to go in. When I got there they did an ultrasound of the girls for their heartbeats and everything looked great, both girls were moving around like crazy and my contractions had slowed way down though they were still slightly hurting. Then the Doctor came in and to examine me and my world came crashing down around me. I was already dilated 4-5 centimeters and Emilyn’s amniotic sac was poking out. They could give me medication and that might stop or slow it down for awhile, but not nearly for long enough to help the babies survive. The age of the possibility of a baby surviving is 24 weeks, and I was three and a half weeks shy, which in a baby’s development is huge. They couldn’t medevac me off island to a place with a higher level of care with the Emilyn’s amniotic sac poking out because the pressure of takeoff could easily rupture it and then have me giving birth mid-air. My only hope was to change my position to take the pressure off of her sac and hope it went back inside, so they admitted me to the hospital, confined me to a bed and moved the bed so that my head was lower than my feet. Even with this my contractions continued and after awhile got more frequent and much stronger. It was official, I was in full blown labor, and my babies were too young to survive, I was losing my little girls and there was nothing I, the Doctors or Nurses could do about it. At 3:25 am our little wiggle worm Emilyn Elisabeth entered this world. I saw her tiny head as they carried her out to clean her up. A few minutes later they brought her back wrapped in a baby blanket with a hat on that was way too big for her little head. She was so tiny and fragile, but she was a fighter. She survived for just over an hour, when they checked for a heartbeat at 4:26 it was gone and she had become an angel in heaven. In that hour that we held her, she moved just a little and turned her head to the left, towards her Mommy and Daddy. Unfortunately in the hour she was with us my labor continued, and our sweet girl and kickboxing champion Hailey Grace entered this world at 4:29 am, shortly after her sister was gone. She was a fighter too and survived for almost two hours. In that two hours we also got to see her move, she tried to take just one breath while we were holding her wrapped in her blankets with her too big hat on, though I’m told they both had tried to breathe at least one breath while being cleaned up. Both girls weighed in at 13 ounces and were 10 7/8 inches long. The hospital let us hold our babies for as long as we needed to say hello, and goodbye. We were able to have them blessed by the hospital chaplain with just us and my nurses in attendance. In our few precious hours with our girls all we could do was hold them, love on them and cry. It seems so wrong that my babies are really gone, they were so healthy. When they were born they were perfectly healthy, they were just born too soon. We have no answer as to why this happened to us, all of my lab tests came back fine, there was no infection or anything. My body just decided that it was time to go into labor even though our little girls weren’t ready. Nothing I could have done differently would have changed anything, nothing could have prevented this because there was no reason for it, just that it was. Saying goodbye to my babies was the hardest thing I have ever done, it just seems so wrong. It was crushing to watch them wheel them both out in their little bassinet. We were able to see them again the next day, they brought them back in tiny caskets, again, so wrong. My babies shouldn’t be in a casket, they should either be still inside me or in a bassinet. Caskets should not have to be made that small. Later that day I was discharged. Walking out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty belly was so hard. All I left with was a memory box for each baby and a folder on grief. My babies were left behind. They were cremated together, they were together inside me for 5 months they needed to be together forever. We have brought them back to Oklahoma for their memorial. We are having it in January 2nd at 2 pm. They will be staying with us though for the time being, until we decide if we want to scatter their ashes, bury them or keep them with us permanently. We have set up a site on the March of Dimes for each girl, the money donated there will help to fund research to fight premature birth. Their sites are posted below. Our only request is that you keep us in your thoughts and prayers through this impossible time.

http://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=57571

http://www.marchofdimes.com/prematurity/b_new.asp?band_id=57572

Our Family Picture, Stacy is holding Emilyn and Charles is holding Hailey

Our Little Emilyn Elisabeth on the left and our Sweet Hailey Grace on the right

20 Weeks!

2009-11-26T20:17:00.003+10:00

Happy Thanksgiving!! Woohoo, I'm halfway through a "normal" pregnancy! Though I'm most likely not going to go full term with the twins. I had an appointment yesterday, when I was 20 weeks and 1 day pregnant and he measured my belly at 26 weeks. So I guess I'm measuring about 6 weeks ahead of most other peoples' pregnancies, should get interesting pretty soon, the babies are going to start running out of room! I've been feeling them kick around a ton and have even felt them kicking with my hand on my belly! Earlier tonight Charles was even able to feel one of the girls kicking since she kept kicking me in the same spot over and over, lol! Only about two and a half more weeks till I get medevac'd off island and one more appointment here!

20 Weeks!

Front View at 20 Weeks

Side View at 20 Weeks

19 Weeks

2009-11-19T20:24:00.004+10:00

I had my long ultrasound yesterday that looked at all of the anatomy of both babies. I think it was one of the most uncomfortable things to happen yet! The room was kind of warm, and with my allergy problems that made it kind of hard to breathe, and I had to lay flat on my back with my legs flat too so after awhile of this I got kind of dizzy! I asked to sit up but he had me lay on my left side for a bit and then raised the foot of the bed up. After that he made me stay on my left side, but I was turning my top half to the right because that's where the monitor was! My hips are still hurting from that awkward position I was in! Even though I was uncomfortable it was amazing to see my little babies! They are so much bigger than the last time that I saw them! The babies are currently laying like in a bunk bed, with one on bottom and the one on top up under my ribs. He even had to scan between two of my ribs to get a good look at the head of baby B! We got to see the every little bit of both babies, including all four chambers of the heart, their faces (though we didn't get a really good picture), and a good look at what gender they are! Much to Charles' despair they are both girls! I can see him getting a shotgun in the near future to scare all the little boys away! We have pretty much settled on the names Emilyn Elisabeth and Hailey Grace, though if we find a second family name we like we may change Hailey's middle name. Both babies are weighing in at 11 ounces already, and measuring about 5 days ahead of what they should be at.

Twin B is a Girl!

Twin B Face

Twin A is a Girl!

Twin A Face

This week I have been feeling the babies move more than ever! Today especially they seem like they have been jumping all over. I can't wait until Charles can feel them moving around too! My Doctor turned in my paperwork for my medevac flight off island, so hopefully before too long it'll get approved for me to come back to Oklahoma instead of to Japan and I'll get my flight booked! Though I am being sent off on medevac, since I am not sick or in need of an escort they will just be buying me a commercial ticket back to the states. I can't wait to get back and see my family, especially my new little nephew Sawyer. Since the last post Sawyer was discharged from the hospital and is doing much better now at home with his mom and dad!

19 Weeks!

19 Weeks in my regular clothes!

Cute Pineapple Dresses I couldn't resist buying from the AOSC Gift Shop!

18 Weeks

2009-11-12T21:11:00.003+10:00

Today was my last day at work! It was a great last day, mostly because it made me so glad I turned in my notice when I did and now I don't have to deal with all that stuff any more! They seem to think that we can do the job of two nurses almost every day, I think I was the only one that flat out refused to do that, some of the other nurses went ahead and just did it becasue they were told to, I refused to take report and threatened to call the nursing supervisor if it wasn't fixed.....and then they fixed it! While I won't miss all the politics of working at the hospital, I will miss some of my patients, especially the long term ones that I've had a chance to build a relationship with!

On the pregnancy front nothing is really going on. The Doctor is still working on my paperwork, and hopefully he'll have that turned in soon to medevac me off this island in December! If you know me, you know I've been harassing the medevac office every day they've been open this week to see if he's turned it in yet! So I thought I had felt the babies move a few weeks ago, but I'm pretty sure that was just gas now, lol! However, I think there have been a few times this week that I have definitely felt at least one of the babies move and it's crazy! In less than a week I should know if I am having boys, girls or one of each! My ultrasound is scheduled for next Wednesday, so it will be just in time for me to post in my weekly update, though I suspect I will be calling my parents and in-laws right after I find out! I also found out this week that laughing can really hurt when you're pregnant, especially if you're not in the proper position! I learned really quick last night what the wrong position was! I can't imagine how big and stretched out my belly is going to be in four months, it already feels stretched out and I know I'm not even that big yet! My innie belly button is well on its way to being an outie, it's just a matter of time before it pops out, lol.

18 Weeks

My newphew Sawyer got put in the hospital a couple of nights ago for bronchiolitis. He's doing better than when he was first admitted, they've decreased the amount of oxygen they're having to give him and is oxygen saturations are improving. His chest xray also came out clear, so hopefully he'll be out of the hospital and at home soon! I know my brother Josh and sister in law Lauren are worried sick, so keep them in your thoughts!
Sick Baby Sawyer

17 Weeks

2009-11-05T20:23:00.007+10:00

Again, not a whole lot happening this week. I had another Doctor's appointment....fairly short, all he did was check the heart rates which were 140 and 150, and then ask if I had any questions. He is supposed to start working on my medevac paperwork this week, so hopefully it'll all go through soon. We got all of the nursery furniture set up, and bought one mattress tonight, we just have to wait for the BX to get another crib mattress like the one we have! Other than that, everything is pretty much the same!

17 Weeks!

Nursery Furniture

16 Weeks

2009-10-29T20:53:00.002+10:00

Not much new and I'm tired so just going to post a pic!

16 Weeks

15 Weeks!

2009-10-22T21:04:00.004+10:00

Wow, amazing how much can change in just one week! I have been feeling the babies doing cartwheels since last friday, it's amazing how much these tiny little things can move around!! I've hit the ten pound weight gain mark, I think it's the heaviest I've been in about five years but it's definitely worth it! I got a book on twin pregnancies and based on that book I've got some catching up to do with how much weight I gain! In one week I need to gain 6 pounds to catch up!! I don't think that's going to happen, but we'll see what happens. The book stresses the importance of weight gain, with most of it being gained in the first 28 weeks since you're not guaranteed those extra weeks at the end of the pregnancy. I already feel like I'm eating all the time, not sure how I can stuff much more in me! I finally gave up on my belly ring today, with everything tight around my belly I kept hitting the top part and it's getting red, so I took it out to prevent it from getting infected. I also finally got continental to agree to refund me fully for my tickets I had bought to go home at Christmas time. That was a huge relief, we thought they were going to just give me a travel certificate for 1900 dollars, to be used within one year of purchase, which would be totally useless to me, there's no way I can travel off of Guam with two babies for under that much!! Anyway, Charles got back to Guam safely after some plane ticket problems, and Molly and I are happy to have him back!

15 Weeks!

14 Weeks

2009-10-15T18:46:00.003+10:00

I finally gave in and started to wear my maternity pants this week, they're a lot more comfortable but they keep sliding down, lol! I figure soon enough I'll have enough of a bump to keep them up! Other than that, nothing really new with the pregnancy this week! Charles left on Saturday for a conference in Las Vegas and is having a great time there. The night before he left the focus decided it didn't want to start, so we had it towed down to the Navy auto repair shop. They said it needs a new fuel pump and filter, which would take 4-6 weeks to get in because there isn't one on island! Oh yeah, and it would cost 250 just for the part! I said leave it, and I'll get my Dad to buy one at autozone and send it to me and it'll be here in a week! So it's currently in the mail and will hopefully be here next wednesday and the car fixed by thursday or friday!

14 Weeks!

13 Weeks!

2009-10-08T18:51:00.004+10:00

I'm 13 weeks pregnant now and starting to feel a bit better. Now it seems like I can be hungry without feeling sick, though if I get too hungry (usually happens at work) it still seems like I feel sick. I had a great week this week, went and played Bunco with some good friends and had some yummy food there! We had typhoon Melor headed our way last week, but thankfully it went to the north of us and the worst that happened was the air show was cancelled, though that was because of the tropical depression ahead of Melor! They were able to reschedule it for a week later, which was yesterday and we got a great show from the thunderbirds! They had to hold off for about 40 minutes to wait for the clouds to clear off but it was still great seeing them again! I saw one guy jump about 4 feet when one of the planes came from behind and surprised everyone, lol.

The Air Force Thunderbirds

13 Weeks!

12 Weeks and Onto the 2nd Trimester!

2009-09-30T21:17:00.003+10:00

Woohoo, made it through the first trimester and now I'm in the 2nd! Now if someone could tell my body that and I won't feel sick when I'm tired! At least now it's usually only around bedtime and not all day unless I worked the day before! Nothing really new this week, I went and bought some maternity pants so I'll have them on hand when I need them, right now my normal pants still fit mainly because they were a little big to begin with! We had a little excitement here on Guam today. They've been worried for days that a tropical storm was going to hit us, but when it got about 2 hours away it fizzled out and was nothing, we didn't even get more rain than usual! There is still another tropical storm right behind that one named Melor that is supposed to turn into a typhoon (same thing as a hurricane) and right now is estimated to go about 60 miles to the north of base Saturday night, hopefully it doesn't start turning south in the next couple of days! Though after the one today, our typhoon shutters are shut and our supply of food is good!

12 Weeks

11 Weeks!

2009-09-24T18:40:00.003+10:00

Nothing much has changed in the past week or so. As you can tell I had another ultrasound this past Monday and got some great pictures from it! It was so cool getting to see the babies moving their tiny arms and legs already! My next appointment will be sometime in the beginning of November, and I think I'll maybe get another ultrasound at that point in time. I grew out of my first pair of pants, and of course it had to be my "nicer" pants that I wore to spouse functions so tomorrow I will be going out in search of new pants that will hopefully fit me for a decent amount of time! Tomorrow is the Air Force ball, and I'm lucky that one of my dresses still fits me so I didn't have to go buy a new one! Tomorrow I'm headed down to the NEX at big navy and I'm hoping they carry the crib set I want, if they are I'll probably order it. I learned quick on Guam that if they have it and you want it you better buy it now becasue on a week it'll be gone! Anyway, I can't believe that I am almost three months pregnant, it seems like the past two months have flown by!

11 Weeks

10 Week, 4 Day Ultrasound!

2009-09-23T11:22:00.003+10:00

I had another ultrasound on Monday at 10 weeks 4 days pregnant. It was really cool getting to see the babies again! They've both grown a ton since my last appointment, they are now 4.18 and 4 cm from crown to rump. Both are doing well and I even got to see them moving around! Baby A took a little coaxing from Dr. Kuskowski pressing on my belly but it eventually woke up and started moving around.

Both Babies, Twin B looks like it is either waving or saluting, lol!

Baby A with the head on the left, 4.18 cmBaby B with the head on the right, 4.oo cm

Showing they're Dichorionic-Diamniotic Twins (Two Chorions and Two Amniotic Sacs)

10 Weeks

2009-09-17T20:27:00.003+10:00

Woohoo, 1/4 of the way through my pregnancy and meeting my babies! I seem to be getting a bit more of my energy back now, I finally have a completely clean house now that it's coming back too! Still having a bit of morning sickness, but it usually happens at night and seems to stay away so long as I keep snacking. I'm also having some hip pain, but it seems to go away after I sit down for awhile so it's not too bad. I'm having tons of fun looking at all kinds of baby stuff! I've figured out that all of the baby furniture I'll need will fit in our tiny second bedroom, thank goodness!! It'll be wall to wall furniture, but it'll fit! We'll go and order it on Monday, so hopefully it'll be here before the babies are born and flown back here! We're also starting to think of baby names, nothing concrete yet though. We have a couple of middle names though. Anyway, need to finish getting ready for work tomorrow.

1o Weeks

9 Weeks

2009-09-10T17:35:00.002+10:00

This isn't going to be all that long, I'm tired after a full day of work! I'm 9 weeks pregnant now, and not a whole lot has changed. I do notice I have a definite pooch to my stomach but I think only the people that see me on a regular basis would notice. I got my first maternity clothes in this week. I decided to order early online otherwise it might be too late! Most of my stuff will probably be ordered online, there's only one real maternity store here and it's kind of expensive! But I got several shirts and one pair of sweat pants that fit me pretty well. My next ultrasound is in a week and a half and I can't wait to see how big they've gotten! Anyway, here's my pic!

9 Weeks

8 Weeks

2009-09-03T17:37:00.003+10:00

This past week was much better than the last week! I even had a few days where I felt pretty much normal! Bland food is still my main choice, though I have had a few days where I was able to eat a little different! We went to Joinus Teppanyaki down in Tumon for lunch this week and it was pretty good! It wasn't as good as Crazy Hibachi, which I'm still craving! I got the chicken and steak, they don't add much flavoring but the steak was pretty good when dipped in the finadene (soy sauce mixed with a few other things). The garlic fried rice was wonderful though! It was much better than what we've been getting at the chinese restaraunts as it wasn't covered in a ton of oil. I'm starting to get some of my energy back, though even going out for a little while still seems to tire me out for the rest of the day! I had my first "prenatal class" today, which in reality was mostly filling out paperwork. There was a ton, and a lot of it didn't pertain to me since they'll be sending me off island at 24 weeks until after the twins are born. We are hoping that I can be sent to Oklahoma instead of Japan so that I will be near family and have Charles sent out before they are born. From the sounds of it, there shouldn't be a problem but hopefully we can get it worked out.

8 Week Belly Picture

7 Weeks

2009-08-27T19:50:00.005+10:00

Today I am 7 weeks along, and I can say that morning sickness has officially kicked in! No throwing up yet, just general feeling like i'm going to get sick. Eating a little something before I get out of bed has seemed to help somewhat, at least I don't feel sick right from the start! On the other hand, I'm finding that when I'm hungry I'm starving and need to eat something right away! I think Charles is going to go crazy with dinner and me wanting it at a specific time instead of our usual whenever we get around to it. It was really cool seeing the ultrasound a few days ago, this time the doctor was able to get the heartbeats for both of them so we got to hear them too! My next ultrasound is in three and a half weeks and I can't wait to see how much they've grown in the four weeks between ultrasounds!!

7 Week Belly Picture: Babies or rice krispie treats?

On another note, my brother Josh and his wife Lauren welcomed their son Sawyer Edward Alan Taylor into this world a couple of days ago. He's so cute and I can't wait to meet him in December! Here's a couple of pics.

Sawyer and Daddy

Sawyer and Mommy

Ultrasound Pics!

2009-08-24T13:35:00.004+10:00

Twins!

Twin A

Twin B

OMG.....it's Twins!!!

2009-08-20T18:30:00.001+10:00

I'm 6 weeks pregnant now, and have known that I'm pregnant for two weeks now. Today started out rough with a trip to the ER for cramping among other things. I would have gone to my regular ob/gyn but they didn't have any open appointments so they directed me to the ER. They did a bunch of bloodwork and a few other tests, and an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed that my pregnancy was going well, and that we're going to be having twins!!! I'm still in shock at the moment, but it will eventually set in. I follow up with my regular ob/gyn on Monday and I'm sure I'll get a lot more information at that time along with another ultrasound. Maybe this time I can get him to print off one or two pictures for me!

Finally a Positive!

4 Weeks

5 Weeks

6 Weeks, the day after we found out it was twins